When you have a baby with colic, visitors aren't always something to look forward to. I felt really bad about this. After week 4, I just wanted people to stay away. The scenarios were as follows:
1. I had finally gotten baby calm and someone wants to come over and see him. Of course, they want to hold him and cuddle him and do all things baby. However, I know that the moment he opens his eyes, he will begin to wail and then I am the one who has to calm him down. It could take hours and it will most likely be the thing that ends this visit.
2. I welcome company and adult conversation and put baby in the sling and wear him the entire time, politely refusing to remove him and allow him to be held. The baby sleeps, but friends go away dissapointed that they did not get to hold him and cuddle him and do all things baby. Unless they have had a fussy baby, they have no idea why I refuse to hand over the howler.
3. Someone who actually has a special way with babies comes over and holds the baby, cuddles him and does all things baby and he doesn't cry(my dear friend, Sarah). Sarah is a baby whisperer. She doesn't know why and neither do I. Nor do I care. All I know is that when she comes over, she can hold baby and he will either look at her lovingly or fall asleep. I, in that moment in time, am free to sit down, maybe eat a bite, go to the bathroom and fix myself a fresh glass of water....all of which I have been putting off all day because I can't do most of these things with one hand. (I have however mastered the art of eating with one hand and thanks to the sling, going to the bathroom while baby is wailing). I do not have any criteria for spotting these special people.
Your friends will have plenty of time to gooch your baby's cheeks when he is a little older and less fussy. Do what you have to do for your sanity. If all else fails, refert them to this blog and tell them I told you to be baby selfish. I'll take the blame......I've got your back. We bleary eyed parents of fussy babies have to stick together.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Let's talk reality......
Someone should stand up and say very loudly that a colicky baby can make you feel crazy. I remember going to my 6 week follow up after delivery and my doctor asked me, "How are you doing? Any post partum blues?" Just the night before, I was sitting in the bathtub weeping as I heard my husband downstairs holding our screaming bundle of joy, alternating between pacing the floors and slightly bouncing on our mini-trampoline(which worked many times, BTW). But I put on my game face and said, "Nothing out of the ordinary." because I wanted to be seen as a good mom. To say to him, "No, I'm not ok. This baby whom I have waited for and loved for 9 months hates me and cries constantly and some days i think that my head might completely explode" was the same to me as saying, "I'm a failure as a mother."
We have got to find a way to come against this. Women need to feel safe to admit that colic is making them nuts. Doctors, pediatricians and OB's, need to take colic very seriously and not dismiss any mother who verbally expresses concern over the amount of crying her child does. Most people weather colic ok, but many babies are shaken or given medications improperly by mothers who don't know how to cope and just want a break.
The truth....colic did make me nuts. I felt like I was going crazy. I cried constantly...just not as loud as my child. I was exhausted . I was conflicted between taking care of myself and keeping some sense of order in my home. I felt completely inadequate as I heard about and saw new moms who were out and about shopping, going for walks, visiting friends, etc. I couldn't take my baby anywhere lest we have a screaming fit in the middle of Target. Not to mention having to listen to the screams as you are trying to focus on DRIVING.
I look back and kind of laugh now. Perhaps it's the Wellbutrin(yes, I finally admitted that I needed some help), but I think mostly it's because I'm on the other side of it. But many times, it wasn't funny. My hope is that somehow I can create some awareness that will make that one mom feel like someone knows where she is coming from and that she is going to be ok.
They do get better. They do cry less. They do love you. And you are a great mom.
We have got to find a way to come against this. Women need to feel safe to admit that colic is making them nuts. Doctors, pediatricians and OB's, need to take colic very seriously and not dismiss any mother who verbally expresses concern over the amount of crying her child does. Most people weather colic ok, but many babies are shaken or given medications improperly by mothers who don't know how to cope and just want a break.
The truth....colic did make me nuts. I felt like I was going crazy. I cried constantly...just not as loud as my child. I was exhausted . I was conflicted between taking care of myself and keeping some sense of order in my home. I felt completely inadequate as I heard about and saw new moms who were out and about shopping, going for walks, visiting friends, etc. I couldn't take my baby anywhere lest we have a screaming fit in the middle of Target. Not to mention having to listen to the screams as you are trying to focus on DRIVING.
I look back and kind of laugh now. Perhaps it's the Wellbutrin(yes, I finally admitted that I needed some help), but I think mostly it's because I'm on the other side of it. But many times, it wasn't funny. My hope is that somehow I can create some awareness that will make that one mom feel like someone knows where she is coming from and that she is going to be ok.
They do get better. They do cry less. They do love you. And you are a great mom.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Why??????
So why do some babies wail into the wee hours of the night and others just lie peacefully only wimpering when they are hungry or need a diaper change. I have honestly read so many books with so many theories, but none of them seem to really resonate with me. I read a book by a doctor whose name I don't remember who seemed to think that every baby with colic had reflux. So of course, looking for any relief I could get, I cart my baby to the doctor and come away with an RX for Zantac. Did it work? Not really. He still cried all the time.....maybe one hour less or so.
Some think it is a temperament, which I tend to believe also. There are those who would even say that these children are so bright that in essence, it is frustrating for them to be a helpless, immobile baby therefore they wail about it. Mmmm....not real sure about that. But I do believe that it is a part of their personality that makes them very verbal about any and every little thing. I fully expect Jude to be highly expressive and maybe even a little dramatic. We shall see.
It isn't a popular belief, but some feel like colic is a product of stress hormones secreted by the mom during pregnancy and labor. This would surely fit my situation. Being pregnant at 35 with a teenage girl in the house AND a 10yo boy with Aspergers was certainly a challenge. Don't forget every other weekend with the 8yo stepson who after being married to his dad for a year still doesn't care to speak to me. Add to that moving into a new house at 5 months pg. My labor...hmmmm...there's a story. The labor lasted 24 hours, about 15 of those hours were filled with INTENSE back labor pain. I had planned a peaceful homebirth but after stalling at 8cm and feeling like I could not take one more contraction, off to the hospital we went. So if stress plays a factor, then the cards were stacked against Jude from day 1.
I would love for someone to find a hint as to the cause of colic. Perhaps it could be prevented or lessened a bit if we knew why. But for now, it's about coping measures.
It's also about perspective. It's about knowing that in the span of your life with this child, this is a very brief moment in time and if you can make a decision to survive, then you are halfway home. I wish I knew why Jude cried so much in the beginning. What I do know is that he has become a happy baby now. Oh, believe me, he is still very verbal and expressive and doesn't sleep worth a poot. But it gets a little easier every day. One day, I will look back on all of this and smile....maybe even laugh.
Some think it is a temperament, which I tend to believe also. There are those who would even say that these children are so bright that in essence, it is frustrating for them to be a helpless, immobile baby therefore they wail about it. Mmmm....not real sure about that. But I do believe that it is a part of their personality that makes them very verbal about any and every little thing. I fully expect Jude to be highly expressive and maybe even a little dramatic. We shall see.
It isn't a popular belief, but some feel like colic is a product of stress hormones secreted by the mom during pregnancy and labor. This would surely fit my situation. Being pregnant at 35 with a teenage girl in the house AND a 10yo boy with Aspergers was certainly a challenge. Don't forget every other weekend with the 8yo stepson who after being married to his dad for a year still doesn't care to speak to me. Add to that moving into a new house at 5 months pg. My labor...hmmmm...there's a story. The labor lasted 24 hours, about 15 of those hours were filled with INTENSE back labor pain. I had planned a peaceful homebirth but after stalling at 8cm and feeling like I could not take one more contraction, off to the hospital we went. So if stress plays a factor, then the cards were stacked against Jude from day 1.
I would love for someone to find a hint as to the cause of colic. Perhaps it could be prevented or lessened a bit if we knew why. But for now, it's about coping measures.
It's also about perspective. It's about knowing that in the span of your life with this child, this is a very brief moment in time and if you can make a decision to survive, then you are halfway home. I wish I knew why Jude cried so much in the beginning. What I do know is that he has become a happy baby now. Oh, believe me, he is still very verbal and expressive and doesn't sleep worth a poot. But it gets a little easier every day. One day, I will look back on all of this and smile....maybe even laugh.
Friday, April 18, 2008
So who do you believe????
So when your baby cries and cries and cries and you question every ounce of competence you thought you had, you look for a book. I wanted answers. I wanted a solution. I wanted someone who knew what to do. So who helped me????
First.....all hail Dr. Sears. He knows about these "high need" babies and has written books dedicated to them and them only. Even though I haven't been able to completely convert to a full attachment parent, I appreciate his(and his wife's)insight into what is going through the minds of these wee ones. It was a relief to hear him respect my instincts as a mother. I am not on board with the cry it out method.......my heart just can't take it. And btw, high need howlers can blow away any statistic quoted by any sleep trainer. What should be a 15 minute cry can become two hours of terror with a fussy baby. If your gut is telling you to pick up your baby and comfort him, DO IT. Listen to your gut. Thank you Dr Sears for affirming me in this.
Speaking of affirmation....big thanks to Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No Cry Sleep Solution. Though I haven't been consistent in implementing her techniques, I do credit her with helping me get dear Jude on a nap schedule. I'm gonna start her stuff soon though as I am desperate for a full nights sleep.
Who did not help me......The Baby Whisperer, Weissenbluth, the Ezzos(even though they have revised their advice, it still isn't right) and anyone else whose best answer seemed to be, "just let them cry."
Dr Ferber offers a kinder, gentler crying method in his book and is willing to admit that the crying method just won't work for some babies. I did implement some of his advice and I was able to get Jude to start falling asleep on his own with relatively few tears. He is a sleep doctor and reading about a babies sleep cycle was enlightening.
In essence, I combined Ferber/Sears/Pantley and made my own rules which have been semi-successful. Nothing is perfect with a fussy baby. They break all molds and stereotypes so please don't expect the things that work for everyone you know to work for your special little wailer.
It just takes time. As they get older, more alert and more mobile, the fussines decreases. Jude and I had a wonderful day yesterday and today and I remember lying in my bed last night thinking of how relieved I was to finally be enjoying so many moments with my baby. Five months ago, I would lie in bed at night and cry just thinking about how in the world I was going to make it through one more day.
I made it....you will too.
First.....all hail Dr. Sears. He knows about these "high need" babies and has written books dedicated to them and them only. Even though I haven't been able to completely convert to a full attachment parent, I appreciate his(and his wife's)insight into what is going through the minds of these wee ones. It was a relief to hear him respect my instincts as a mother. I am not on board with the cry it out method.......my heart just can't take it. And btw, high need howlers can blow away any statistic quoted by any sleep trainer. What should be a 15 minute cry can become two hours of terror with a fussy baby. If your gut is telling you to pick up your baby and comfort him, DO IT. Listen to your gut. Thank you Dr Sears for affirming me in this.
Speaking of affirmation....big thanks to Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No Cry Sleep Solution. Though I haven't been consistent in implementing her techniques, I do credit her with helping me get dear Jude on a nap schedule. I'm gonna start her stuff soon though as I am desperate for a full nights sleep.
Who did not help me......The Baby Whisperer, Weissenbluth, the Ezzos(even though they have revised their advice, it still isn't right) and anyone else whose best answer seemed to be, "just let them cry."
Dr Ferber offers a kinder, gentler crying method in his book and is willing to admit that the crying method just won't work for some babies. I did implement some of his advice and I was able to get Jude to start falling asleep on his own with relatively few tears. He is a sleep doctor and reading about a babies sleep cycle was enlightening.
In essence, I combined Ferber/Sears/Pantley and made my own rules which have been semi-successful. Nothing is perfect with a fussy baby. They break all molds and stereotypes so please don't expect the things that work for everyone you know to work for your special little wailer.
It just takes time. As they get older, more alert and more mobile, the fussines decreases. Jude and I had a wonderful day yesterday and today and I remember lying in my bed last night thinking of how relieved I was to finally be enjoying so many moments with my baby. Five months ago, I would lie in bed at night and cry just thinking about how in the world I was going to make it through one more day.
I made it....you will too.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
How does he do that??????
I can't tell you how many times I have looked at my beautiful babe and wonder how such a nerve crushing sound can come from such a sweet, tiny body. Colic is no joke. Mom's who have never experienced colic have no concept of it. I remember talking to a friend who told me that her baby also had a "fussy time" in the late afternoon. Colic is not a fussy time. It's not about your baby's 1 hour expression of confusion and discomfort. It's so much more.
I kept wondering what in the world I was doing to make my baby so mad. His cry was just piercing. His little body would stiffen and arch and his face would scrunch up and he would just wail. Mom's can usually differentiate their baby's cries after a while....hungry, sleepy, overtired, etc. This type of cry is one that indicates the baby is either in intense pain or really, really pissed off. What kind of mom was I that I couldn't nuzzle my infant to my breast and comfort him? Though he was my third, I felt like I had just had my first baby and was completely clueless.
The facts:
1. Colic is not your fault. No matter what your doctor, friend, mother or anyone else tells you, you aren't spoiling him and making him cry all the time. If it was about wanting you and manipulating you to get what he wanted, then he would STOP CRYING WHEN YOU HELD HIM!!!
2. It is normal to feel inadequate, but you aren't. You have to keep reminding yourself of this and also have someone you trust remind you. This isn't the "normal" situation so the fact that all the "normal" things aren't working to make your baby stop crying is not a reflection on your competence as a mother/parent.
3. It's normal to wish this phase in your baby's life would pass quickly and then feel guilty that you are rushing your baby's growth. I kept going back a forth. I wanted to enjoy this stage in his little life that passes in the blink of an eye, but I desperately wanted the colic days to be over. At 8 months now, I honestly remember every single one of those special moments that happened outside of the colic. You won't look back without any good memories. Cut yourself some slack. No normal person wants a crying jag to last as long as possible.
Allow yourself to feel whatever. If you feel you are on the edge, tell someone. Get some help. I think that one of the greatest places for help of all sorts when it comes to babies is the Le Leche League. http://www.llli.org/ One of the leaders from the local group actually came to my home to show me how to wear Jude in the sling that I had bought. This brought some welcome relief to my weary back. Many of these women have experienced it ALL and can help you feel like you are not alone.
My newest venture is to become a doula. http://www.dona.org/ I want to be able to check on a mom at that 3 week mark and offer some support and relief to that weary woman who walks the floor.
No one should be alone in the world of colic.
I kept wondering what in the world I was doing to make my baby so mad. His cry was just piercing. His little body would stiffen and arch and his face would scrunch up and he would just wail. Mom's can usually differentiate their baby's cries after a while....hungry, sleepy, overtired, etc. This type of cry is one that indicates the baby is either in intense pain or really, really pissed off. What kind of mom was I that I couldn't nuzzle my infant to my breast and comfort him? Though he was my third, I felt like I had just had my first baby and was completely clueless.
The facts:
1. Colic is not your fault. No matter what your doctor, friend, mother or anyone else tells you, you aren't spoiling him and making him cry all the time. If it was about wanting you and manipulating you to get what he wanted, then he would STOP CRYING WHEN YOU HELD HIM!!!
2. It is normal to feel inadequate, but you aren't. You have to keep reminding yourself of this and also have someone you trust remind you. This isn't the "normal" situation so the fact that all the "normal" things aren't working to make your baby stop crying is not a reflection on your competence as a mother/parent.
3. It's normal to wish this phase in your baby's life would pass quickly and then feel guilty that you are rushing your baby's growth. I kept going back a forth. I wanted to enjoy this stage in his little life that passes in the blink of an eye, but I desperately wanted the colic days to be over. At 8 months now, I honestly remember every single one of those special moments that happened outside of the colic. You won't look back without any good memories. Cut yourself some slack. No normal person wants a crying jag to last as long as possible.
Allow yourself to feel whatever. If you feel you are on the edge, tell someone. Get some help. I think that one of the greatest places for help of all sorts when it comes to babies is the Le Leche League. http://www.llli.org/ One of the leaders from the local group actually came to my home to show me how to wear Jude in the sling that I had bought. This brought some welcome relief to my weary back. Many of these women have experienced it ALL and can help you feel like you are not alone.
My newest venture is to become a doula. http://www.dona.org/ I want to be able to check on a mom at that 3 week mark and offer some support and relief to that weary woman who walks the floor.
No one should be alone in the world of colic.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
High need.......are you kidding me?
High need is a polite way of describing a baby that screams constantly. Parents of these "high need" howlers are accustomed to pacing the floors, boucing, swaying, shhhh'ing, singing, humming and yes, even crying WITH the baby. We read countless books....some helpful, some not....to try to find the key to unlock our babies happiness and peace. We blame ourselves for their obvious discontent with the world and life in general as somehow, somewhere we must not be doing SOMETHING right.
We secretly resent the parents of babies that speak of things such as sleeping through the night, taking baby to the store, two hour naps and peaceful smiling cooing faces. We restrain ourselves from physically assaulting those moms who speak of the early days of infancy and babyhood as the "sweetest time of my life". These moms also seem to have found a way to put their baby down long enough to put on makeup, style their hair and pick out matching clothes for both themselves and junior. Meanwhile, I'm just happy to be out of my pajamas and have my teeth brushed before noon.
This blog is intended to set you free as I have set myself free. I accept my baby's temperament as part of his/her being and not a result of my parenting skills . I also intend to encourage you to remain strong. At 8 months old, my high need howler has become quite pleasant, though I would not say low maintenance. These days go by quickly and they do get easier. Enjoy reading my thoughts, insights and stories...both amusing and heartbreaking....and know that you are not alone.
We secretly resent the parents of babies that speak of things such as sleeping through the night, taking baby to the store, two hour naps and peaceful smiling cooing faces. We restrain ourselves from physically assaulting those moms who speak of the early days of infancy and babyhood as the "sweetest time of my life". These moms also seem to have found a way to put their baby down long enough to put on makeup, style their hair and pick out matching clothes for both themselves and junior. Meanwhile, I'm just happy to be out of my pajamas and have my teeth brushed before noon.
This blog is intended to set you free as I have set myself free. I accept my baby's temperament as part of his/her being and not a result of my parenting skills . I also intend to encourage you to remain strong. At 8 months old, my high need howler has become quite pleasant, though I would not say low maintenance. These days go by quickly and they do get easier. Enjoy reading my thoughts, insights and stories...both amusing and heartbreaking....and know that you are not alone.
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