It seems that in the past few weeks we have perfected crawling very fast. Perhaps the uninterrupted sleep is giving my howler new found energy. I am noticing, though, that the more he can get around, the happier he seems to be.

However, as we delve into new foods, I am noticing the intestinal sensitivity trend beginning again. We will revisit the probiotics. But it does make me wonder if this is a major component also. I have finally found a chiropractor that I feel is very knowlegable in the holistic realm and we will be paying him a visit to discuss some options for this. In the meantime, we will try some rice milk to see if that works out, though it isn't much cheaper than formula if he drinks a lot of it. He has been insistent that he is done with the breast, much to my dismay. Our one year check up will be full of discussion.

We had intended to begin our modified vaccination schedule at the one year visit, but we will not be getting these if we can't straighten out the tummy as your intestines play a major role in your ability to build immunity. Many things to consider. Oh, if parenthood were only simpler

I can't believe my little howler is almost one, is sleeping through the night, and smiling the days away. I can remember when I thought it would never happen!!!

Welcome back.....SLEEP!!!!

For those who said it wouldn't happen on its own. For those who said(people who wrote the books) that I couldn't "let it happen" ....IT DID. WE ARE SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!
Really, it just happened. We do a little crying, but nothing serious, then we're out. From 7:30pm until between 6:30 and 8. It's like a dream come true. I'm not sure what to do in such an alert state. But I am loving it and it is proof that sometimes, they just have to come into these things on their own. Not all babies can be "trained" to sleep. But sleep does come...........I already feel the bags under my eyes fading. Good riddance!

The fussy baby travels.......

Well, we went to Asheville for doula training. The high need howler was an angel in the car. He did very good all weekend and had lots of adventures with dad. He didn't sleep half bad considering we were in a tiny hotel room with a porta crib that he doesn't sleep in very often. It was a great time of bonding for all of us and daddy turned 40 while we were there. We love Asheville and want to retire there. Right now though, charlotte needs doulas!

I'm encouraged that the colicky demeanor really seems to have disappeared. He isn't unusually cranky or sensitive. It's almost like he just grew out of it. He's a mover, for sure though. Not satisfied to sit around in one place too long....much like daddy.

I truly believe as life moves forward in positive directions, so do the high needers. Bless their hearts.....and the hearts of their sleep deprived parents.

Ahhh....adventures continue.....

So it seems that my little baby continues to grow and grow and seemingly becomes happier. Could it be that these colicky babies are just restless? Are they born knowing they are destined to grab and walk and eat Cheerios and they are just living a tortured existence until they can do it? LOL Who knows? I do know that after being home with him all week(my mom was at the beach....no babysitter...no work!) he seems much happier and calm. We did have one difficult night. I felt like I should try to help him go back to sleep on his own so I didn't pick him up, but I stayed with him and rubbed his little head and back. It took him 2 hours to get back to sleep. He didn't cry the whole time, but it was still exhausting. Last night, he woke up and I fed him(it was almost 3:30 and I have to leave for work at 4:30 am) and he went right back to sleep. I would like to think I helped him to do that!



I think the climate of the home is really key to their fussies too. With a graduation and many other changes coming, our home has been somewhat chaotic and sometimes downright tense. Some kids are just radars that respond to the least little tremor.



So we have made a real effort to maintain a peaceful spirit in our home. Of course, when you have a teenager counting down the days until she can move out, this can be difficult. But it really makes J and I become more conscious of the way we interact in our marriage. It's not just about us. Our issues affect everyone, even the baby. There is nothing wrong with having to examine your relationship a little closer and force yourselves to find ways to work through petty.....and not so petty differences. We have to work things out and not hold grudges or walk around with a chip on our shoulder. That isn't easy, but wow is it worth it.



So perhaps the world needs fussy babies in order to unite us???????? I would love to know how many people who have been recognized for their peacemaking and humanitarian efforts might have been colicky babies.



Saving the world.....one howler at a time........ :)

Bring on the milestones....and the fussies

So it seems that "un-fussy" babies can become fussy when they begin to reach milestones as it is a time of much processing for them. Well, Jude is moving right along...fussies and all. It seems that in two weeks he has started sitting up from a lying position(and if he does this in his crib at night, he can't figure out how to lie back down...argh!), crawling and saying "UH-OH." When he isn't doing that, he needs to be held and allowed to fuss a bit here and there. Our arms are getting their workouts once again. But it is so exciting to see him seeing the world in a new way and I know that we are coming closer to that one year mark where they seem to grow even faster right before your eyes.

He is sleeping better at night. We left the ped last time with the Prevacid and we are still waiting to see if it helps with the tummy troubles. We are getting up about twice a night....once to help him lie back down and once at around 4am to eat. Because I need to help keep up my milk supply while working, I haven't tried to get rid of the night feedings. I will start that in July.

I have begun my doula training process and I think that Jude has actually become a little more calm and happy. I think that I have been happier and feeling more fulfilled as I finally feel like I am pursuing a calling on my life and doing something that I really desire to do. It seems that he can almost "sense" that and it calms him also. This is important in my being more conscious in how I deal with stress. I wonder if colicky/fussy babies have a stronger "radar" for mom and/or dad's stress levels and anxiety. Working so much at the gym has been a HUGE stress for me and for the family as a whole. Perhaps we'll all get some relief as I follow my call......

Wear your fussy with pride....

so check out this website for the official fussy baby onesie
http://www.fussybaby.ca/fussybabyonesies.html

We are having a very trying week. We are experiencing frequent night waking again. We are literally walking zombies. Last night I tried to do the cry it out, but his cry gets stronger and louder as the minutes go by. An hour later, I gave up and put him in bed with me and he finally settled.

And it's 9pm and he's crying now........ugh........why is this happening?

We see the ped for the 9 mo check up tomorrow and we are going to make a real plan...I'm determined.

Hey....where am I?

Do you ever have those weeks where you are so busy that you can't get anything done but then you wonder what you were so busy doing if nothing is done????

So my friend, Heather who also is a fellow fussy baby mama, says that her pediatrician told her that colic is over at 6 months and that now her baby is just cranky(at 9 mos). Helloooooooo dr know it all, that is precisely my point. The colic part is over....the late night constant screaming and so on. But it seems that these babies continue on to have an overall disposition that just seems to be somewhat unhappy. Some days it makes me so sad. I really need some doctors to get on the boat and validate this stuff. Do they have any idea what it makes a mom feel like when you tell her, "she's just a cranky baby" WHY IS MY BABY CRANKY??????

Dr. Sears feels like it is part of an overall temperament in these kids. Ok, I can buy that, but it seems that there has to be more.

So now I am starting a new book....The Crying Baby by Sheila Kitzinger. She is very big on the midwife/homebirth/natural birth scene and I am interested in what she has to say. I will keep you posted.

I guess I just want to know what I can do to make sure this fussy child, whether it is some type of physical pain or just his personality, is as secure, happy and successful as possible. I want to be sure I am doing the right things for him. I want to know if there is anything I can do to make his world easier to deal with.......and mine too.

What do you do about a fussy mama????

There is something about the hormone shift after a baby that can make a momma fussy even on happy baby days. This has been my week. I find myself suddenly wondering where in the world 9 months have gone! Let me say that those first 4-5 fussy months seemed so long at the time, but they are a distant memory now and I find myself wanting my baby back. I just look at him and see how he has gone from such a tiny, helpless wailer to a baby on the move...seeing, exploring and learning. Time goes by so quickly.

My fussy baby has been a gift. His presence has forced me to learn to slow down and take care of myself. You may not accomplish much in your house during those hours of walking, rocking, bouncing and swaying.....but every touch and nuzzle is a love deposit in their little heart and I am convinced that this has a soothing and healing affect on their soul. Your healing will come in time also, so don't give up. There will come a day when he/she begins to smile at you, laugh at you and reach for you and you will know that your baby is happy and healthy and totally in love with you.

During nights of wailing, I found that it soothed me and kept me calm if I sang songs. Some of my favorites were praise songs:

Shout to the Lord(no pun intended)
Jesus, Lover of My Soul
I Could Sing of Your Love Forever
In the Blessing

I also enjoyed singing Jack Johnson, David Grey and that Pooh Corner song by Kenny Loggins. On the nights when the crying wouldn't stop, these songs helped lighten my mood enough that I could handle an hour of holding and crying without breaking down myself.

Music soothes the soul.....try it....it may just save your sanity in that final half hour of howling.

Assumptions.......

People make a lot of assumptions about you when you have a fussy baby. I remember when I went back to work at weeks post partum, people expected to see the bags under my eyes. Six months later, people notice and comment....."that baby is still not sleeping through the night??? You are spoiling him. You need to let him cry it out." It does no good to try to explain to someone that my babys cry could possibly be used as psychological torture at Guantonomo Bay. Not only is it loud, but it is desperate and relentless. That cry speaks to me as a mother and says, "I have no idea what I need but please don't leave me alone." It goes against everything in my being to ignore it or allow it to continue past about 10 minutes(the longest 10 minutes of your life). These babies are different. They DO need something. I refuse to believe that cry is one of manipulation. My son does have the ability to do that, but is is a different cry altogether and as a mom, I know it.

It has taught me much about judging the way anyone parents. You never know what that parent is dealing with and what is behind their seemingly quirky ways. Isn't it enough that we all have the hardest job in the world??? Support your local fussy baby mama......it could save her sanity.

He said it!

Jude has started saying mama. That's all I needed to hear. He knows I'm his mama. Sometimes when they just scream at you, you aren't quite sure.

Yipeeeeee

Geting perspective....

One year ago today, a Ivillage friend of mine, Michelle, gave birth to micro-preemie twins, Nick and Kenny. They were only about 24 weeks gestation....but both valiant fighters. Kenny fought all odds to turn 1 year old today. Nick was called home by his Creator.

Other moms in that group lost their precious babes.....Shelly said farewell to her precious Damien, Marie endured the loss of her angel, Bridget after losing another child a year before, and Sleepy-me whose real name I do not know, lost her precious Audrey.

When I become weary of the fussies, I remember that for some, such a shrill and piercing cry would be a welcome sound in their home. This does not make colic less difficult, but it gives me perspective. In the span of my life, this is a brief flicker in time.

So today, I hug my fussy baby as he arches his back and wails because.......he's here. I look in his teary eyes and tell him that I love him because......I can.

May we remember that all lives carry purpose and that each moment of life is precious. Thank God tonight for your blessing(s)....even if they wake you up 4 times.

And Happy Birthday, Kenny. May you inspire us that all things are possible.......

The saga continues......

Well, it has taken me a few days to blog because a fussy baby who seems to be in "remission" can regress at anytime. I don't know if it was the new food(chicken/rice, veg beef) or what, but the fuss was ON for 2 days. Jude would not be put down and even when he was held he was squirming like a worm in hot ashes and crying. When hubby walked in the door, I handed him the baby and told him I was escaping for some baby free time.

After a few months of great days and minimal crying, it was amazing how quickly I became discouraged and fretful again. I guess I was afraid the colic was going to come back and that he would begin crying all hours of the day and night again.

BTW, fussy babies sometimes sleep well, but in talking to other people with fussy babies, it seems that they all have sleep issues. So moms of fussy babies are already walking around in a sleep deprived fog. This is why it is so important to find/provide support.

Things are back to normal now. Jude is happy during the day again. No more chicken/rice or vegetable beef until he is 20.

Ahhh...visitors....

When you have a baby with colic, visitors aren't always something to look forward to. I felt really bad about this. After week 4, I just wanted people to stay away. The scenarios were as follows:

1. I had finally gotten baby calm and someone wants to come over and see him. Of course, they want to hold him and cuddle him and do all things baby. However, I know that the moment he opens his eyes, he will begin to wail and then I am the one who has to calm him down. It could take hours and it will most likely be the thing that ends this visit.

2. I welcome company and adult conversation and put baby in the sling and wear him the entire time, politely refusing to remove him and allow him to be held. The baby sleeps, but friends go away dissapointed that they did not get to hold him and cuddle him and do all things baby. Unless they have had a fussy baby, they have no idea why I refuse to hand over the howler.

3. Someone who actually has a special way with babies comes over and holds the baby, cuddles him and does all things baby and he doesn't cry(my dear friend, Sarah). Sarah is a baby whisperer. She doesn't know why and neither do I. Nor do I care. All I know is that when she comes over, she can hold baby and he will either look at her lovingly or fall asleep. I, in that moment in time, am free to sit down, maybe eat a bite, go to the bathroom and fix myself a fresh glass of water....all of which I have been putting off all day because I can't do most of these things with one hand. (I have however mastered the art of eating with one hand and thanks to the sling, going to the bathroom while baby is wailing). I do not have any criteria for spotting these special people.

Your friends will have plenty of time to gooch your baby's cheeks when he is a little older and less fussy. Do what you have to do for your sanity. If all else fails, refert them to this blog and tell them I told you to be baby selfish. I'll take the blame......I've got your back. We bleary eyed parents of fussy babies have to stick together.

Let's talk reality......

Someone should stand up and say very loudly that a colicky baby can make you feel crazy. I remember going to my 6 week follow up after delivery and my doctor asked me, "How are you doing? Any post partum blues?" Just the night before, I was sitting in the bathtub weeping as I heard my husband downstairs holding our screaming bundle of joy, alternating between pacing the floors and slightly bouncing on our mini-trampoline(which worked many times, BTW). But I put on my game face and said, "Nothing out of the ordinary." because I wanted to be seen as a good mom. To say to him, "No, I'm not ok. This baby whom I have waited for and loved for 9 months hates me and cries constantly and some days i think that my head might completely explode" was the same to me as saying, "I'm a failure as a mother."

We have got to find a way to come against this. Women need to feel safe to admit that colic is making them nuts. Doctors, pediatricians and OB's, need to take colic very seriously and not dismiss any mother who verbally expresses concern over the amount of crying her child does. Most people weather colic ok, but many babies are shaken or given medications improperly by mothers who don't know how to cope and just want a break.

The truth....colic did make me nuts. I felt like I was going crazy. I cried constantly...just not as loud as my child. I was exhausted . I was conflicted between taking care of myself and keeping some sense of order in my home. I felt completely inadequate as I heard about and saw new moms who were out and about shopping, going for walks, visiting friends, etc. I couldn't take my baby anywhere lest we have a screaming fit in the middle of Target. Not to mention having to listen to the screams as you are trying to focus on DRIVING.

I look back and kind of laugh now. Perhaps it's the Wellbutrin(yes, I finally admitted that I needed some help), but I think mostly it's because I'm on the other side of it. But many times, it wasn't funny. My hope is that somehow I can create some awareness that will make that one mom feel like someone knows where she is coming from and that she is going to be ok.

They do get better. They do cry less. They do love you. And you are a great mom.

Why??????

So why do some babies wail into the wee hours of the night and others just lie peacefully only wimpering when they are hungry or need a diaper change. I have honestly read so many books with so many theories, but none of them seem to really resonate with me. I read a book by a doctor whose name I don't remember who seemed to think that every baby with colic had reflux. So of course, looking for any relief I could get, I cart my baby to the doctor and come away with an RX for Zantac. Did it work? Not really. He still cried all the time.....maybe one hour less or so.

Some think it is a temperament, which I tend to believe also. There are those who would even say that these children are so bright that in essence, it is frustrating for them to be a helpless, immobile baby therefore they wail about it. Mmmm....not real sure about that. But I do believe that it is a part of their personality that makes them very verbal about any and every little thing. I fully expect Jude to be highly expressive and maybe even a little dramatic. We shall see.

It isn't a popular belief, but some feel like colic is a product of stress hormones secreted by the mom during pregnancy and labor. This would surely fit my situation. Being pregnant at 35 with a teenage girl in the house AND a 10yo boy with Aspergers was certainly a challenge. Don't forget every other weekend with the 8yo stepson who after being married to his dad for a year still doesn't care to speak to me. Add to that moving into a new house at 5 months pg. My labor...hmmmm...there's a story. The labor lasted 24 hours, about 15 of those hours were filled with INTENSE back labor pain. I had planned a peaceful homebirth but after stalling at 8cm and feeling like I could not take one more contraction, off to the hospital we went. So if stress plays a factor, then the cards were stacked against Jude from day 1.

I would love for someone to find a hint as to the cause of colic. Perhaps it could be prevented or lessened a bit if we knew why. But for now, it's about coping measures.

It's also about perspective. It's about knowing that in the span of your life with this child, this is a very brief moment in time and if you can make a decision to survive, then you are halfway home. I wish I knew why Jude cried so much in the beginning. What I do know is that he has become a happy baby now. Oh, believe me, he is still very verbal and expressive and doesn't sleep worth a poot. But it gets a little easier every day. One day, I will look back on all of this and smile....maybe even laugh.

So who do you believe????

So when your baby cries and cries and cries and you question every ounce of competence you thought you had, you look for a book. I wanted answers. I wanted a solution. I wanted someone who knew what to do. So who helped me????

First.....all hail Dr. Sears. He knows about these "high need" babies and has written books dedicated to them and them only. Even though I haven't been able to completely convert to a full attachment parent, I appreciate his(and his wife's)insight into what is going through the minds of these wee ones. It was a relief to hear him respect my instincts as a mother. I am not on board with the cry it out method.......my heart just can't take it. And btw, high need howlers can blow away any statistic quoted by any sleep trainer. What should be a 15 minute cry can become two hours of terror with a fussy baby. If your gut is telling you to pick up your baby and comfort him, DO IT. Listen to your gut. Thank you Dr Sears for affirming me in this.

Speaking of affirmation....big thanks to Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No Cry Sleep Solution. Though I haven't been consistent in implementing her techniques, I do credit her with helping me get dear Jude on a nap schedule. I'm gonna start her stuff soon though as I am desperate for a full nights sleep.

Who did not help me......The Baby Whisperer, Weissenbluth, the Ezzos(even though they have revised their advice, it still isn't right) and anyone else whose best answer seemed to be, "just let them cry."

Dr Ferber offers a kinder, gentler crying method in his book and is willing to admit that the crying method just won't work for some babies. I did implement some of his advice and I was able to get Jude to start falling asleep on his own with relatively few tears. He is a sleep doctor and reading about a babies sleep cycle was enlightening.

In essence, I combined Ferber/Sears/Pantley and made my own rules which have been semi-successful. Nothing is perfect with a fussy baby. They break all molds and stereotypes so please don't expect the things that work for everyone you know to work for your special little wailer.

It just takes time. As they get older, more alert and more mobile, the fussines decreases. Jude and I had a wonderful day yesterday and today and I remember lying in my bed last night thinking of how relieved I was to finally be enjoying so many moments with my baby. Five months ago, I would lie in bed at night and cry just thinking about how in the world I was going to make it through one more day.

I made it....you will too.

How does he do that??????

I can't tell you how many times I have looked at my beautiful babe and wonder how such a nerve crushing sound can come from such a sweet, tiny body. Colic is no joke. Mom's who have never experienced colic have no concept of it. I remember talking to a friend who told me that her baby also had a "fussy time" in the late afternoon. Colic is not a fussy time. It's not about your baby's 1 hour expression of confusion and discomfort. It's so much more.

I kept wondering what in the world I was doing to make my baby so mad. His cry was just piercing. His little body would stiffen and arch and his face would scrunch up and he would just wail. Mom's can usually differentiate their baby's cries after a while....hungry, sleepy, overtired, etc. This type of cry is one that indicates the baby is either in intense pain or really, really pissed off. What kind of mom was I that I couldn't nuzzle my infant to my breast and comfort him? Though he was my third, I felt like I had just had my first baby and was completely clueless.

The facts:
1. Colic is not your fault. No matter what your doctor, friend, mother or anyone else tells you, you aren't spoiling him and making him cry all the time. If it was about wanting you and manipulating you to get what he wanted, then he would STOP CRYING WHEN YOU HELD HIM!!!

2. It is normal to feel inadequate, but you aren't. You have to keep reminding yourself of this and also have someone you trust remind you. This isn't the "normal" situation so the fact that all the "normal" things aren't working to make your baby stop crying is not a reflection on your competence as a mother/parent.

3. It's normal to wish this phase in your baby's life would pass quickly and then feel guilty that you are rushing your baby's growth. I kept going back a forth. I wanted to enjoy this stage in his little life that passes in the blink of an eye, but I desperately wanted the colic days to be over. At 8 months now, I honestly remember every single one of those special moments that happened outside of the colic. You won't look back without any good memories. Cut yourself some slack. No normal person wants a crying jag to last as long as possible.

Allow yourself to feel whatever. If you feel you are on the edge, tell someone. Get some help. I think that one of the greatest places for help of all sorts when it comes to babies is the Le Leche League. http://www.llli.org/ One of the leaders from the local group actually came to my home to show me how to wear Jude in the sling that I had bought. This brought some welcome relief to my weary back. Many of these women have experienced it ALL and can help you feel like you are not alone.

My newest venture is to become a doula. http://www.dona.org/ I want to be able to check on a mom at that 3 week mark and offer some support and relief to that weary woman who walks the floor.

No one should be alone in the world of colic.

High need.......are you kidding me?

High need is a polite way of describing a baby that screams constantly. Parents of these "high need" howlers are accustomed to pacing the floors, boucing, swaying, shhhh'ing, singing, humming and yes, even crying WITH the baby. We read countless books....some helpful, some not....to try to find the key to unlock our babies happiness and peace. We blame ourselves for their obvious discontent with the world and life in general as somehow, somewhere we must not be doing SOMETHING right.

We secretly resent the parents of babies that speak of things such as sleeping through the night, taking baby to the store, two hour naps and peaceful smiling cooing faces. We restrain ourselves from physically assaulting those moms who speak of the early days of infancy and babyhood as the "sweetest time of my life". These moms also seem to have found a way to put their baby down long enough to put on makeup, style their hair and pick out matching clothes for both themselves and junior. Meanwhile, I'm just happy to be out of my pajamas and have my teeth brushed before noon.

This blog is intended to set you free as I have set myself free. I accept my baby's temperament as part of his/her being and not a result of my parenting skills . I also intend to encourage you to remain strong. At 8 months old, my high need howler has become quite pleasant, though I would not say low maintenance. These days go by quickly and they do get easier. Enjoy reading my thoughts, insights and stories...both amusing and heartbreaking....and know that you are not alone.